And then again

This is pretty much hopeless, isn't it?
The magic just isn't there.

You want it to be.  You want to believe so badly.  You want and you want and you want.
But you can't fool yourself.



You'll never believe.



So you don't live in a magical world where the world looks out for you, and the things that happen, happen for a reason.  You live in a world where things are grounded in a sort of cold reality, where there are no miracles, and even other people don't give a fuck what you are doing, let alone some benevolent force.
And you still want to believe.
You still want to believe in magic.

Somewhere along the line you became so cynical.  Somewhere along the line you stopped believing in everything but yourself.
You used to at least believe in love and friendship, honesty and the goodness of people.
Now you mostly think that love and friendship are just lies we tell ourselves in the oppressive blackness of the night, when everyone else is asleep, but we can't fall asleep because we're scared.  We don't know why we're scared, or what we're scared of, but it's something, and it's less scary if we tell ourselves that love exists and our friends love us.  But those are just lies we tell ourselves.
You think that people are just users, who will take and take and take until they have no more use for you.  And when you're all used up, they toss you aside.  More often than not, they'll play nice, because in order to be an effective user, you have to convince the other people you want to use that you're a good person.  But really, it's all about how you can use other people to make yourself feel good.  It's never about love and caring and honesty and genuinely being a kind person.

You'll never believe.


You aren't sure when you realized it, but at some point you woke up and noticed that you're one of the few people who do believe in love and honesty and being a good friend and living up to a set of standards, with direction, with purpose.
You're one of the few who do believe.


You'll never believe in everyone else though.
You'll only ever believe in yourself.