Bottoms up, Finch

Somewhere between the third glass of wine and the fuckingcrazy hallucinations, I realized something.
I don't trust myself.

I don't trust myself with anything.  I don't trust anything about me.
Every bit of myself that I've built up is somehow untrustworthy.

I'm hung up on words.  I'm hung up on how words shift.  On how I think I like you becomes I think I love you becomes I think I just wanna be friends.  On how Wanna hangout? becomes I don't know what I'd do without you becomes I don't need you at all.  On how You're really funny becomes You'll get over it becomes I don't want to deal with you.  On how great becomes amazing becomes useless.
And that alone is enough to rob me of sleep, frazzle my ability to focus, and smother any faith in myself.

I believe in honesty.  I believe in brutal, painful, upfront, I-Have-Never-Told-Anyone-This-Ever-So-You-Better-Listen-Up honesty.
At all times.
With myself, with others.

So here we go, Internet and Self.  Some truths I realized.

I don't trust myself.  I don't trust my worth.  I don't trust what I deserve.  I'm terrified I'll end up settling for a mediocre life because I don't know how to find something grand.  I'm terrified I'll end up trapped because I don't know how to effectively reach outside my cage.  I'm terrified of other people and what they could do to hurt me.  I'm terrified of even trying for that something grand because I'm terrified of it failing.  I don't trust myself to succeed.  I don't trust myself to find what I truly want.
I don't trust myself to stay put.
I feel so trapped sometimes, that I am about ready to scream and cry if I don't getthefuckouttatownrightthisveryinstant.  And after screaming and crying, I'll fucking implode or something equally dreadful.
I have a file on my computer called Escape Plan.  It's full of information that I plan to use in the case that I finally do grow a pair and decide to disappear.  Just wake up one day, pack my suitcase, grab my cat, get in the car, and go.  Go find a place that only I would know, and no one would ever be able to find me.
I seriously consider dropping out of college at least twice a week.  This is tied into Escape Plan.
I don't trust myself.
I don't trust this me that I built.  It's fucked up somehow.  It can't sit still and it doesn't know how to find things, find people, and it doesn't know how to bring things, bring people, in.  It wants to run away.  It gives too much power to other people.  It is in constant danger of being torn to shreds.
I don't want to be intimidating.  I don't want to be lonely and scared and hung up on words all the time.  I don't want mediocre.




And I want to trust myself.