Syntactic gap

It's a bit scary when 'you' ceases to be a person.


I regret that 'you' was a person.
'You' aren't now.

I feel like fear is the wrong thing to be feeling.
What am I afraid of, exactly?


I think it's that small part of me that is screaming and yelling that this could hurt.
Not me.  This won't hurt me.  This is the opposite of hurting me.
It might hurt 'you.'  Because if 'you' are no longer a person to me, that has certain implications.  First and foremost, there was once a 'you' who has now stopped filling that position of 'you'ness.  Somehow, 'you' failed me and I decided it was necessary to demote 'you.'

So I decided a couple things to put me here.  That's the natural course of things.  Decisions are made and then things change.
And I decided that 'you' aren't worth it.
After all this time spent thinking 'you' were worth something spectacular, I've decided that 'you' really aren't.  Nothing special, nothing spectacular, nothing of worth.
Ouch, that stings.
'You' aren't worth anything.

Always a boy, never a man.  Stuck in the shallow end of the pool because, even though he loves the water and knows how to swim, he's terrified of drowning.  He forgets the people he has to bail him out.  He forgets that people are people.  He's trapped inside his head, behind his eyes and between his ears.  The only person for miles around.  He has the potential to notice them and connect with them--to care about them--but he doesn't.  That would mean existing outside his mind.  And he doesn't exist.  He's not real.
Always a boy, never a man.


'You' are now 'he.'
One step farther removed from me.
Less of a person.

I'm afraid that step would hurt him.
But I'm only slightly afraid.  Like I'm afraid of getting a paper cut.

I hope he wakes up some day and looks around and realizes that I was right.
He has nothing to be afraid of.


But as it is, I don't care enough to stick around and help make it happen.
He wore me out to the point that I simply just can't care anymore.
I'm tired.
I'm done.

And the much larger part of me finds this terribly amusing because I know I'm done this time for good because the words have changed in my head.
The words mean everything.
Word walls.