inhaling zero

I'm normally quite fond of forever.
Eternity.
A perpetual state of being with the universe.



But I don't like that I'm always reminded of that pain.  No longer sharp and deep, but a hot feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to retch.  Regret.
I can't escape you.  You worm your way into the edges of my existence, and I'm unhinged.  I'm reminded that I am not someone worth fighting for.  I'm reminded that people grow weary of me.  I'm reminded that I am always the last person chosen.  I'm reminded that my feelings, in the realm of those I care so much about, is often forgotten.
Stop.
Just... stop.


You rotted my brain.
You're sorry right?




I am so fucking tired of this shit.  So tired.  It's futile and worthless and I keep changing things.  I keep taking new paths, setting new courses, saying fuck it like I used to.  But I'm still stuck.
Will I ever be the person I was before you?
No.  Not possible.
I will always be the person post-you.

The person who now struggles with feeling worthy when I never struggled with that before.  I am now the person who second guesses her judgment at every step when I have never had to before.  I am now the person who watches every moment carefully when I never used to.
I'm always ready to run.  To spring.  To leap away.

Clean cuts.


I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH.


I want to live fully and deeply, connecting with everything at all times.  But I can't.  I'm stuck in this near-flight.




Maybe someday I will trust things (people) again.


You would be doing me a huge favor if you'd get the fuck out of my head though.  Stop creeping in and reminding me and making me feel that hurt such that I remember the things you taught me.
I am not worth the effort.
I am not worth your time.
I am not worth a thought.





Dear You,
You once said, tears running down your face, that you felt like a bad person.  I felt my heart crunch in and I rushed to assure you No, you are not a bad person.  Do not tell yourself such things.  You are one of the best people I know.
I admit when I'm wrong.  I am quite often wrong about things.  Rarely wrong about people.  But I was wrong about you.
You are a bad person.
Now let me go.